I cared. Past tense. It's really painful to see people who were once so happy, carefree and willing to give out their love who turned into such a gloomy, frustrated and dull ones. It is difficult for me to ever express myself anymore because in a continuous phase of getting ignored and devalued, who wouldn't? Back then, I always get to believe in second chances regardless of how shitty of what was. I don't want to be harsh. I don't want to misinterpret. Now, at the end of the day, none of it matters anymore. Once I get disregarded, I drop everything I had with them without feeling guilty about it. I never felt this happy. Ever. I used to think that I might have hurt them but I was the one who needs to be healed. Here's an open letter to the ones I have left behind.

Hi you,

I know I have been so cold with my responses or even get to ignore you now. I apologize. I just don't want to be in the submissive position because it makes me sick. I don't like how your dominance takes over. It is as if you have taken away my tongue's purpose. I want to have a say about something. Unfortunately, you never offered me that. You offered me to answer a question for you and be completely objective. I was just like a human Siri, just following orders. The way you make me feel like I have nothing special in me or intellectual enough, are one of many reasons why I quit being there for you. You never valued nor respected me. I have always wanted to help you but I guess, you never wanted it. You wanted to help yourself through your condescending trait. I am vulnerable and you are, too. Don't be afraid. There will be someone to hear you out and will appreciate you despite of your flaws. It's not me.

Completely weird and wrong. 

Life in the near future

I have this tendency to worry my future so much. I feel so agitated because of it. I'll be an Accounting major this incoming first term and all I could think of is hardwork. That's all there is. Looking at someone I know from BSA is absolutely disturbing because he repeated a subject twice already. A business minor course. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK. I just seriously have to double the work I do in studying just for my stand as a BSA student. This is actually happening, wow. I am completely open to whatever the circumstances are... please. Bravery. There are just other students who wants to shift to other courses when someone out there is already dying to have the course that they are in right now. I don't want to let this go to waste. I am already so fucking nervous. Kaya to. Kakayanin.

Also, I have been searching for graduate schools and these are Harvard, Wharton and AIM which I am actually dying to get enrolled in one day! It is scary though... but somehow an actual victory. Right now, I have to work my ass of so bad it burns.  You know, I am not an optimist and the same reason why I typed this so negatively. There's this scale between optimism and pessimism that made me think that optimists are those who are  overconfident individuals while pessimists are those who thinks about the worst but are hoping for the best. And I am proud that I am the second one.

Status

Hello june! We hopped in to June by checking in into Nobu Hotel City of Dreams. My parents always have a free stay because one of the employees already knew them and just gave them a bonus as a gratitude. 

Learned how to play a piano through online lol talk about being resourceful hez. Now, Someone Like You by Adele is what I am working on. Tried recording myself and can't help that itty bitty mistune... is that even a word? now it is because this is my blog and I create words whatever I want. Anyway, I'm just mastering the first few lines and plssssss give me patience.