Completely weird and wrong. 

Life in the near future

I have this tendency to worry my future so much. I feel so agitated because of it. I'll be an Accounting major this incoming first term and all I could think of is hardwork. That's all there is. Looking at someone I know from BSA is absolutely disturbing because he repeated a subject twice already. A business minor course. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK. I just seriously have to double the work I do in studying just for my stand as a BSA student. This is actually happening, wow. I am completely open to whatever the circumstances are... please. Bravery. There are just other students who wants to shift to other courses when someone out there is already dying to have the course that they are in right now. I don't want to let this go to waste. I am already so fucking nervous. Kaya to. Kakayanin.

Also, I have been searching for graduate schools and these are Harvard, Wharton and AIM which I am actually dying to get enrolled in one day! It is scary though... but somehow an actual victory. Right now, I have to work my ass of so bad it burns.  You know, I am not an optimist and the same reason why I typed this so negatively. There's this scale between optimism and pessimism that made me think that optimists are those who are  overconfident individuals while pessimists are those who thinks about the worst but are hoping for the best. And I am proud that I am the second one.

Status

Hello june! We hopped in to June by checking in into Nobu Hotel City of Dreams. My parents always have a free stay because one of the employees already knew them and just gave them a bonus as a gratitude. 

Learned how to play a piano through online lol talk about being resourceful hez. Now, Someone Like You by Adele is what I am working on. Tried recording myself and can't help that itty bitty mistune... is that even a word? now it is because this is my blog and I create words whatever I want. Anyway, I'm just mastering the first few lines and plssssss give me patience. 

Homosexuality

Homosexuality is really confusing and unusual. Before anything else, this is a personal rant and there is no way that I am offending anyone. Please. 

I feel really uncomfortable when there are homosexual people that I get to encounter. I had a classmate who is now a transgender woman and somehow there's nothing weird that goes in my mind about her but how come to other strangers? Especially in my same gender. I respect them completely but there will always be that awkwardness in proximity. Most of all, homosexual couples. I don't have any issue when people post around the internet but when I see couples in person, there's that feeling again. Why does it vary that much? I am not against homosexuality because who am I anyway? It's just that it is so eccentric when I see them in person rather than through a screen.  

Freshman Year

It's going to be a long post. I'm warning ya.

First year of college is finally done!! This time last year was the time I get so pretty damn nervous about college and eventually, I get to adapt the culture which is a good thing yay! Okay, this serves as my journal, maybe?

May 2014

First day. I don't know what to expect in life anymore due to nervousness. Sorry for the over acting reaction. First day was pretty much the day where we all dressed so nicely, like an "OOTD" worthy, the say. The time where we entered the wrong classroom. I know, laugh all you want. 

June 2014

Rainy season. The day I cursed my black sneakers because we went through the flood on the way to our building. The rest of the month was a bad luck month because every time I wear that bloody black sneakers, it rains so damn hard. Sigh. Also, first time to ever saw the famous Jeron Teng. Too bad I don't have a photo of him, never even planned to take one 'cause no to mainstream!! 

July 2014

The highlight of this month is my parish involvement. This involvement is a requirement for my TREDONE class and the school itself. I did this for a month. I've been assigned to the catechism group, scapular making, paperworks and social gatherings. At first, I felt really clueless because I've never done this before, obviously. In the catechism group or the choir in the church, they are all approachable, sociable, while me, the socially-awkward robot. I try to actually converse with them and they are the ones who make the conversation longer which is great I guess. They also have the most angelic voice ever. All in all, it is a great experience regardless of the hectic. 

August 2014

End of first term. My ENGLCOM profs, I don't have a photo of my other ENGLCOM Prof but anyway, they are the best professors to ever teach English Communication, Language and Reading. Compare to the requisite of this course which is ENGLRES, these profs are definitely the best. Hands down. 

September 2014

First time to ever attend a debut. Sorry if I started college at 16, okay? Majority of the class, came from a K-12 school, meaning they graduated at the age of 18 or older. This is the debut of my blockmate/friend also how sweet she invited the whole block! I have to admit, my blockmate has the fab-est birthday ever because she has a twin! How cool? I know. Also, this month was the time that I got into the Dean's List. Such a privilege. Lastly, celebrated my hs besties' 17th at MoA. 

October 2014

First NSTP Immersion. My partner and I are tasked to be with our respective host family for three hours in their home. Another extraordinary experience as well the reality. They are all open minded people and fun to be with as well. 

November 2014

Birth month! Celebrated with the fam at Macau. Got lost, got pissed, got to style my hair, an unforgettable time. It was really fun to go for an adventure around the city and discover different people. Thank God, it was the perfect week to leave school because I'm all done with my requirements. Yay. :) 

December 2014

End of second term. Celebrated with the usuals(in the photo)  and got to catch up with my high school bestie. This term was actually my term. Merry christmas!

January 2015

Start of term three. Month of application to shift. Last push! 

February 2015

LEAP 2015. Ela Lama's works are so inspiring, as seen in the board, amazing. The time my brother attempted to enter my school but failed to do so because of the strict guards. Hahaha. 

March 2015

The month of hell. Solid. Anyway, here's the time of my nephew's first birthday. After our immersion, we headed to the party. I am freaking tired. 

One Direction in Manila 2015, I literally had an emotional breakdown. 

April 2015

My bestie's debut! Reunion of my other hs buds. The time where we are all nervous about the 18 candles. FUN NIGHT. AS IN. End of third term, summer, freedom! Hi 4-month vacation!!! 

Hi!

Recently,  I have been so negative. I'm sorry. Sometimes, I just want to write it all out rather than express it verbally. I'm so happy that this term is coming to an end! How fun is that?! Well, my grades will come to an end too. Kidding. Please don't *insert sad emoticon here*

Summer is just around the corner... not. It's actually circulating all over the place because SOBRANG INIT. I'm actually so excited this term break, I am motivated to become much more productive. Like what I mentioned in my past text posts, I was never productive every summer break. Hope this will be the start of something different. Heads up!

That's all, really. Okay bye.

2:30

Can't think of a good title because this post ain't a good one. Today, has been a fucked up day. That's the type of day that  has always made me feel so small and weak. Emphasis on the always.

I learned that sometimes my hard work don't pay off. Here's how it goes, the fact that you worked your ass off while the other one is so damn lazy.. the result? You know what it is, the other one turned out to be 'better' than you. You know, I don't mean to judge here or be ignorant, but it's just so unfair. Know that feeling? It's the popularity that matters. Fucking great. Know what matters? Your brain. Use it.

Next, just when your day started to light up, there will always be this tiny little bit sorta crap that turned your day the other way around. Wow. Can't imagine I'm sleeping this all off. Maybe its better that way? Besides, today is over. Over. 

Hope that it is.

Playboys

Aka "fuckboys". If you don't know what this means, then go to google. Kidding. Anyway, these are the type of guys who has a desire for sex instead of romance. They play around with women, fling, not serious at all and somehow the most annoying creatures that ever existed. I already have a clue what these guys do thanks to my two idiot fuckboy brothers. Apps like Tinder or Omegle is a cool place to spot these fools because of strangers and by means of strangers, I mean their targets. Great.

I feeeeeeeeeel really sorry to those who are victimized. Women does NOT, I repeat, NOT deserve to be treated like this. No matter how many times that I sermon my brothers about doing this shit, listening does not exist in their vocabularies. On the contrary, I had an observation about this. I borrowed their phones and read their messages. What infuriates me the most, these girls are actually tolerating this game. They even insist to meet up just to do the 'momol' thing. What in the lying fuck? You girls fucking respect yourself because you don't know where you are putting yourself into. When the fuckboy left you hanging, you'll be all thinking and shit of what you did wrong. Boob. You initiated in the first place! Also, I encourage you to delete the madeffin app because of it's uselessness. 

Trust me, I've been there. After I knew what fuckboys do, I was the one leaving them hanging. I don't text, call but rather, I block them. Thanks to my brothers, they taught me how to control my emotions because to be completely honest, FEELINGS SUCK. Why bother waiting for this to occur? Be heartless when you already know that this guy is abusing your self-respect. 

Aral muna. 

Flaws

Recently, this has been such an ISSUE. Weight, size and complexion. My ears are so fed up with all the "Ang taba mo na. Diet muna" "Oily ng mukha mo" "Bigyan mo ng space, ang laki laki ni Michelle" "Magpaputi ka na ha" okay, people, shut the fuck up. I get it, you don't have to remind me every. single. time. In a bigger picture, it IS annoying to be reminded of your flaws/imperfections because it doesn't really make that person any less conscious about herself. Do you think it motivates them to do what you want them to be? Of course not. Who the fuck are you anyway? And let's face it, there won't be a time that you ever take it under consideration because it fucking haunts you for some reason that you can't even sleep about it. I know that everyone has flaws, we get jealous of other people's features, we wished that we weren't like this, and yada yada. Especially when they compare you to other people as if you're the most hideous person ever. How infuriating right?

Society will always tell us that we should be 45kg, fair complexion, a hot body, fucking go on a surgery just to be what they so called "beautiful". That's what they want, you to have a socially acceptable appearance regardless of your personality. If you want to change yourself, make sure it's FOR YOU. Not for them. Make sure as well that you love what you are doing because it is pointless eitherway. Don't even consider to literally change yourself financially. Don't change what is given to you. Do everything NATURALLY and by natural, I mean EXERCISE, EAT RIGHT, and HYGENIC. Never eat less, never buy medicines that will help you get fit easier, and all those artificials.

The truth hurts, okay, but there is so called "manners" that exists. It IS rude to point out flaws. What am I supposed to do after you tell me that? To instantly do what you want me to do? Do I look like I have time for your rude comment about myself? And if you ever think that using flaws against other people will be your revenge, congratulations, you just prove how idiotic and shallow you are. Pathetic, include that. Fucking use your brain. 

Yes, insecurities is not easy to ignore. But once you accept it, you'll gradually just love yourself more. I have to say, I did started to love myself more but there will always be that point in my life that flaws will just hit me like a truck. I'll overthink, takes time to recover from it, accept and love again. I deal with this issue 4 years ago and I took it personally that it turned into depression. Crappy self, I know. 

To whoever is reading this, this may have been a such dramatic post, if you are dealing with the same issue, always think that you'll be the better version of yourself today than yesterday. You just really have to put yourself out there and make memories! These are mainly the reason why I quit society. Stupid, pathetic and judgemental. Fuck them all!!!!

Reinvent

It took me some time to actually push myself to be better. That's what I want to do, to be better than I was yesterday. Some people won't realize this but today will always be a last so make the best of it. I don't know why I have to comply with what society wants and it really is sad.... and boring. Since that I will have a 3 month vacation, I want to make it productive. Productive in a way that will make me think "It has been three months? Well, it was fast" because staring at my laptop screen, sleeping for number of hours, not doing the things I want to do HAS BEEN MY LIFE FOR SO LONG AND I QUIT. For the past couple of days, I want to get fit. I have to admit, it has been on my mind and quite motivated to do it. No, it's not because people forces me to do this but I want to do this for myself. It's not all about getting fit and show it off so that people would think "Wow, she's so hot!" but rather, aim for it's health benefits. I have seen people who have achieved their body goals and it's fun to be healthy and active. Words <<<<<< actions. 

Brothers

Most people say that being the only girl is a good thing because your brothers will protect you against all odds, like boys and bullies. Help you in every way and blah. 

In my case, it's much of a twist. Both of them are NOT sweet. Don't expect them to be a gentleman, and never will be. Treat me like a princess? More like a prince. They tell me stories as if my sexuality and emotions doesn't matter. Legit. Compliments? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS. They want me to compliment them which is a pain in the ass. Chores? ALL ON ME. Selfies? Naaaah.  This pretty much sums up my life with them. 

On the good note, there are as well things that I am thankful for their existence. They ask me what is a good gift for their girlfriends and they don't complain about my choice of stuff. I have free access of what guys do on their typical life. We curse a lot but neither of us get offended. 1:10000 chance that they will compliment me, that's the exact ratio. When no one's around to bring me to school, one wake up call is enough. We're open to everything. Each of us are updated to each other's lovelife. Drama ain't our stuff. 

These perks are blessings! No matter how many times I want to strangle them, man, it's dull without their presence. The only perks for being the only girl is that I have my own stuff. They share a room and shoes. The only thing that the three of us can share are t-shirts, it's weird that we have the same sizes. -.- 

Agitated; Anxious

Just want to type this out. March 4 will be the results of my shifting exam aka MY FUTURE and I feel really suckish right now. That agitated feeling whenever that date is drawing near, incredible. Not. I don't fucking care what you call me but whenever I pray, these tears keeps on overflowing because when I start mentioning that exam, I start to throb, my booger's falling down, my voice become husky and I keep on snorting. It is seriously a big deal. A while ago, the Marketing results were out and my friend passed. I congratulated him of course. As for me, I didn't took the Marketing course. Ya'll think I took the exam then failed right? Nah. I can sense that it will all come up with an explosion saying that "You passed" or "You failed" in my head. I want to curl up in bed and think of how much this thing will turn out to. But whatever happens, Thank you Lord.

Feb 12 2015

Valentine's day has always been a normal day for me ever since and no, it's not because of bitterness. As if I even had an experience. I just think that it's not that much of a big deal. I used to believe it's only for couples and married couples. In highschool, flowers and chocolates are so mainstream that you'll get tired of it. Never ending 'boy surprises girl' in my classroom, in the hallway, and even outside. That's how much of a big deal valentines is for them. 

What's the point of these photos anyway? Basically, my first time to ever receive this kind of thing. And my first time to see a real sunflower my whole life. It kept me puzzled, I mean who would even bother giving this kind of thing? To me? As my previous post, I'm a skeptical person. I always think of ALL worst case scenarios: "Trying to trip me up" "might've been the wrong Michelle"  

I hate feeling this way but at the same I time, I know I should. It keeps me away from my ego. But there's just this 1/4 of me appreciating this flower and as well to the person who sent it. It has a card attached to it, and yeah, he got my name right and my room number. A good thank you is enough. 

Also, it was February 12 that I received it. It has been a week and the flower withered. Sucks. I decided to insert the petals in my journal. You know, for memories. 

The Vamps in Manila

Yeah you read it right... the madaeffin VAMPS nigguhhhh. Hahah ok that was so weird lol. Anyway, watched these lovely people live with the usuals, Erika and Michael! 

            James, my love.

                Bradleeeeey

I didn't took that much photos 'cause what's the essence of a concert if you're just holding your gadgets the whole time? How boring is that?! 

Outgrow

So I decided to chop my hair. I realized how much I miss my natural curly hair. I don't even know why I let harsh chemicals enter my hair and it suxxxxx. What I hate about rebonding, is that it's not permanent in which you seriously have to take care of it like you have to buy some products that is suitable for rebonded hairs. Second, your old curly hair will eventually grow and it'll just make your hair look like shit. Curly in the roots then silky straight hair at the bottom, what the fuck?

Another one is that I digital permed my hair. I know right? More chemicals, more damage YAY. I easily get tired of my hair that's why I went into this fucking process. Well, I digital permed my hair in macau and it is DIFFICULT to communicate to a hairstylist who doesn't even speak english that much. It looked okay on the first two days then I washed my hair and somewhat dissapointed 'cause it's dry and some parts were not curly anymore uhhh. After two months, my mom chopped it. I want to outgrow this straightness in my hair and let the rest be all natural.

It took me two years to think of how it is muuuuuch better to have a natural hair rather than going through a lot of process knowing that it is just temporary. Reasons why natural hair is d best:

• Don't need to worry of what shampoo and conditioner to use. 
• You can style it with the use of straightening/curling irons, rollers and hair blowers.
• Less time consuming 
• Don't need to worry if it's going to 'break' when swimming in the beach/pool.
• You can tie your hair anytime without leaving any mark 

Going for a new style is not harmful, just make sure you're consistent of taking care of it. Compare to me, I like it best when I get out of the shower, dry it, comb it and done. I'm not a big fan of hair sprays, mousse, and stuff because I am reaaaaaaally lazy to style my hair especially if I have to do it every single day. That would be a pain in the ass. 

Here's a photo of my natural hair and I fucking miss it already!!!!

   (2010. YEAH NENE NO EXPLANATION NEEDED)

How idiot of me for letting this hair go down to waste. 

Mini vacation

Due to the Papal Visit, post christmas break kind of week, so much feeeeeeels. Anyway, Pope Francis  just like what they said, he is so cute!! His smile is just so enlightening and makes everyone feel better. Although I don't go to church, or do some religious things other than praying, I am so thankful for the Pope that he made almost the population of the country much more blissful and gave that kind of thing that makes everyone seek for hope and change. Thank you, Pope Francis. x 

Since I have 6 days of no school, my family and I decided to go on a mini vacation as well! Currently staying at Nuvali. This place is legitimately the ideal place to live in!!! Cozy weather, nearby shopping malls & restaurants, the park, organized fields, lots of activities to do and more and this only results to how perfect this place is. Sucks that it's sunday tomorrow, check out, and I don't want to go to my dad's relatives but rather, I'll go with my momso basically we are not going straight to our home and rest. 

Le picz: 

Christmas

Christmas break

I have to admit that this christmas break is D as in to the D best vacation so far!! I felt that freedom for 2 weeks and let me share how it all went because i just can't... Even. Yeah, even.

• my mom never woke me up just to do errands. I even heard her telling my dad "let them sleep. It's their vacation naman"

yeah boi

• full of celebrations and adventures 

• movie marathon up until 4 am eerday

• late convo up until 4 as well

• sleepovers!!!!!

• reunion :-) 

• good grades :-) 

Although it is only a few, each one of it is so worth it! Looking forward for more productive and chill vacations x